My Story

Not only have my heartaches and challenges made me stronger but they have made me more loving. I know with every part of me that I'm not just a survivor but a thriver.

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It had been weeks since I’d been able to eat much and months since I’d had a full night’s sleep. Until this point, I’d been devoting all my energies to pleasing others and to trying to attain some impossible standard that I’d set for myself. My perfectionistic traits had been wreaking havoc on my body, mind, and spirit. Moreover, chronic and debilitating heart trouble, painful endometriosis, keeping the secret of adolescent sexual abuse, and dealing with the heartache of my younger daughter’s molestation by an elementary-school teacher’s aide all worsened my depression and anxiety.
 
Being brought to my knees on 9/11 forced me to begin walking down the path of finding out who I really was and why I felt like I was never enough. Desperate to feel better, I turned toward different healing modalities for answers. I devoted much energy and many years to exploring traditional talk therapy. I practiced stress management and mindfulness. I learned yoga and meditation and I explored breathing and other healing techniques to help me feel more grounded and at peace. In their different ways, these healing modalities were quite helpful. However, neither singly nor in combination did they manage to rid me of the feeling that at my core I simply wasn’t good enough.

 

In time I saw that this feeling of not being good enough was like a virus in the hard drive of my computer. After much self-reflection, I realized that the source of this destructive feeling was what I came to call my core story and I began to understand that it was negatively impacting my whole life. A core story is a false belief about oneself that one’s subconscious forms as a way to cope with the painful circumstances of childhood. I did this by morphing who I was into whatever I felt would be the most acceptable version of myself for those around me, especially for the many babysitters who looked after me. In order to be accepted, I learned to quiet my voice, to please others, and to give up my own needs.

 

Ultimately, it was only by identifying and processing my core story that I was able to truly get at the root cause of why I never felt like I was enough. Once I’d identified my story, understood how it was formed, and processed it, I developed and utilized various means to release its grip over me. This is what allowed me to stop repeating the same self-sabotaging patterns, to love myself, and to transform my life. Of course, like any adult human being, I still face challenges. (For instance, both of my parents have Alzheimers.) Yet releasing my core story has allowed me to feel more joyful and free than I ever did before. I’ve been able to replace my story with a new, life-affirming narrative for myself. In fact, I’ve changed every aspect of my life in order to align with who I really am.

 

As part of the process of reclaiming my authentic self, I am finally open and transparent about my natural ability to read human energy fields. What this entails is reading the energetic imprints of negative thought patterns that have clustered around women’s core stories, thereby blocking the free flow of their vital life-force. This intuitive capacity was a key part of myself that I’d kept hidden for my entire life because it wasn’t safe for me to honor my own gifts. I would have been ridiculed and discounted, even by people who loved me dearly and whom I loved dearly in return. Now, I feel empowered to express exactly who I am in the world and to empower you to do the same. It’s said that the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why you’re on this Earth. I know that my “why” is to use my intuitive abilities to help you identify, process, release, and replace your own core story, just as I was able to do for myself.

On 9/11 as the World Trade Centers were crashing to the ground I suffered a full-on collapse.

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© 2020 Susan Duesbery

United States